


Keeping Score

by TinCanTelephone



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Gymnastics, Introspection, Jyn Erso-centric, The Author Regrets Nothing, The author did too much research
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 14:04:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12819111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone
Summary: The first time Jyn sees him, she's upside down, her legs in a split above her and chalky fingers gripping the balance beam.Jyn Erso is a gymnast at the end of her career just trying to keep her head down and make the next national team. Until a ballet dancer-turned-journalist comes to write an article on her and makes her question all the feelings she's tried so hard to ignore.





	Keeping Score

**Author's Note:**

> In which the author writes out her quarter-life crisis. Also in which I experiment with the present tense! 
> 
> Sorry about the posting hiatus! This was supposed to be a one-shot but it turned out super long and when I thought about separating it the chapters seemed too short. 
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not a gymnast, so I may have fudged some things. Deal with it ;)

The first time Jyn sees him, she's upside down, her legs in a split above her and chalky fingers gripping the balance beam. Her first glimpse is out of her peripheral vision, but she takes her eyes off the beam for a second to send him a pointed glare. She was told the gym would be empty today, and she was looking forward to practicing in peace.

Refusing to let the intruder disrupt her rhythm, she comes out of the handstand and prepares for her dismount, which she performs after a haughty glance at the tall man in a drab tweed coat walking in a slow circuit around the gym with owner and head coach Baze Malbus. It's a cartwheel into a Gainer layout double twist, although the effect is somewhat spoiled by the fact that she does it into a loose foam pit, since she's been shaky on the landing.

When she surfaces, Baze and his guest are standing near the wall closes to her. She dares Baze to make a comment on her routine the day she was told she would be _alone_ – she _knows_ her legs weren't tight in the air and her toes weren't quite pointed.

But Baze just nods a greeting and moves towards the offices. His friend lingers and says, "You're over-rotating."

She shoots daggers into his back with her eyes as he follows Baze.

 

He comes back the next day, and she blames stupid physics for her inability to avoid him because what comes up must come down, and she can't hang out at the top of the rope she's just climbed (legs out in front of her _and_ pointed) forever. Baze is there too, and they're clearly waiting for her.

When she finally drops back onto the mat, he smiles and says, "Jyn, we didn't mean to interrupt you yesterday. This is Cassian Andor from _The Massassi Times_. He's doing a piece on the gym."

"Why?" Jyn's been told she can come across as rude. 

Cassian seems unperturbed. "People love a behind-the-scenes look at the lives of professional athletes. If you'd be amenable, I'd love to have an interview and perhaps shadow you for a week or so. If it doesn't interfere with your training, of course."

Jyn's lip curls. "I'm not on display."

"A little publicity wouldn't hurt," says Baze. "And last I checked, you were looking for another sponsor."

He's right.

"Fine. Tomorrow's my day off." She brushes past them and makes for the uneven bars. She hadn't planned to start there, she almost never does, but they're on the far side of the gym and that makes it awkward for them to chase her if she moves quickly enough.

She gets an email that night with a list of times and places for the interview. They're mostly around midday and at various restaurants and cafés, but he also writes, 'We can also meet at my office or at the gym if you are more comfortable with that.' The whole thing is extremely professional verging on stiff but she rolls her eyes and picks the most expensive café. If she's getting a free lunch out of this (and he'd better be paying), it was going to be good.

 

"So, Miss Erso–"

"Jyn."

"– Sorry, Jyn. How long have you been in gymnastics?" They're sitting outside because it's a beautiful day, in hard metal chairs shaded by a red umbrella. Jyn has a caesar salad with chicken _still warm_ from the grill (Cassian's paying) and Cassian has the spinach quiche. There's a tape recorder resting between them and Cassian has a notebook open next to his plate and a pen in his hand.

Jyn stares at the recorder. "Why do you need that if you're going to take notes?"

"I like to have something to refer back to, just in case," he says smoothly. "So I don't have to bother you again if I have questions."

Not being bothered again sounds nice, she will admit. "Since I was four. Apparently I was an energetic toddler."

"Have you always enjoyed it?"

She considers giving him a plastic answer– smiling and saying, 'Yes of course, it's my passion,' but it sounds so much like some of the other tooth-whitening, glitter hairspray-using princesses back at the gym she kind of wants to gag. So she shrugs. "It's what I'm familiar with, I guess."

He scribbles in his notebook. "So you do it because it's familiar?"

She bristles. "Well, I like it, obviously. And I'm good at it."

He nods. "You have an impressive record. Selected for teams at a regional and national level, medals at both– in the all-around and event finals on the floor and vault."

"So I have favorites," she says through a mouthful of lettuce and croutons. _Damn_ , this is a nice restaurant.

He nods again.

She kind of wants to shove his perfectly expressionless face into his quiche.

"Why do you like the floor exercise?"

She shrugs.

He taps his pen on the table a few times, but his expression doesn't break. "Can you be more specific?"

"I dunno. I guess because it's about the _power_ – how much can you fit in 50 feet of floor space after throwing yourself as hard as you can into a roundoff-back-handspring."

"I can see how the vault appeals to you as well."

Vaulting is Jyn's favorite and best event by far. She loves the adrenaline from the high-risk, high-reward element of the competition and the rush of running at top speed towards the table. But doesn't feel like giving Cassian the blank-faced satisfaction of revealing any of that. So she takes another bite of chicken to deter further questions.

It seems to work, and Jyn does her best to conveniently take large bites of food just as Cassian's asking a question so he has to wait for her to finish chewing before each abbreviated answer. By the end, there's an irritated crease in his brow and the pen is clenched in his fist.

When their plates are cleared, Jyn sighs and wipes her mouth. "That was really good. Thanks, Cassian."

His face is locked with the effort of preventing a full-on glare, and hers is stiff with the effort of not laughing at him. "You're very welcome," he all but growls as he digs out his work credit card.

"We should do this again sometime," she says.

There's a twitch in his forehead and she waits for him to explode at her and storm off to find some other simpering gymnast who actually wants to do this shit. He slams the card on the table and motions impatiently for their server. "Yes, we should," he says.

Pleasantly surprised by the fight in him, she leans back and folds her arms. "My schedule's wide open."

He leans back as well, pen poised over his notebook. "I have no doubt it is. You're… 23? 24? A bit old to be as competitive at your level."

The _fuck_? "Screw you," she says. "I spend 35 hours a week in that gym, and most of those teenagers can't even be compared to me."

Cassian nods. "They do get younger every year."

 _Christ almighty_ he seems to _want_ to wind her up. "What is your _problem_?" she snaps.

"What's yours?" he shoots back.

They stare each other down across the table, eyes narrow and jaws set, as if daring the other to snap first. Jyn can only imagine this ending a few different ways.

 

Admittedly, her first guess would not have been in her bed a few hours later. Her third or fourth guess, maybe, but not her first.

She wants to blame it on stress. She really, _really_ needs to up her bars game if she wants a shot at the next national team and progress has been… well, there have been ups and downs. A little afternoon sex is the perfect way to blow off some steam.

But of course, there's also the fact that Cassian turns out to be _really fucking hot_ underneath that God-awful tweed coat and surprisingly athletic. Not quite as much as her, of course, but he manages to keep up with her for _way_ longer than the average man.

"Jesus _fuck_ ," he says when they finally separate and are lying side-by-side under her dark green sheets. He rolls towards her again and runs a hand down her body. "Is there any part of you that's _not_ muscle?"

Jyn smirks and stretches her arms above her head. "You're not so bad yourself." Post-coital bliss is setting in and she's feeling less inclined to knock him down a peg.

He laughs modestly and is silent, his hand still on her ribs, tracing the definition in her abs. For all his aggression earlier, he's very gentle now.

His silence has her curious. "Seriously, you're _shockingly_ athletic. What did you do?" He's certainly got the endurance, and she thinks his muscle tone is the defined-but-not-too-defined of an athlete no longer competitive, but still in shape. She considers it. "Or do you just go to the gym a lot?"

He shakes his head. "I mean, I do, but not as much as I should."

He doesn't sound finished, so she waits.

"I used to be a ballet dancer. A First Soloist in the Massassi Ballet Theater for five years."

Jyn can't help it, she laughs. It makes so much sense and she can just _see_ it. He's got the wiry build and long, graceful limbs that would look perfect on a stage under bright lights, twirling around with some stick in a tutu. She wonders what happened. Ballet isn't gymnastics, Andor's still young enough to be a dancer if he wanted to be. But she doesn't ask him. That's not what this… _arrangement_ is.

There's a long silence. They both begin to speak at the same time.

"I'm sure you have things–"

"So I was going to go–" She stops and lets him finish.

"I'm sure you have things to do."

"I was going to go for a run." She hesitates. "And, you know, I'm sure you have… work things to do."

"Yeah. Yes." He seems flustered and casts about for his clothes, scattered between her bed and the door of her tiny apartment.

They dress quickly with their eyes away from each other.

There's yet another awkward pause by the door, unsure of what to say to each other, how to end this interaction.

"I'll… see you next week," he says.

"Yes." Right. Because he's observing her. For an article. Not some guy she can sleep with and then forget. "See you."

 

* * *

 

"So who is this guy?" Bodhi's scanning through photos on his camera as Jyn does hip circles around the lower uneven bar.

"Some journalist." She pauses upside down and looks at the mat. Her hair's almost long enough to brush the chalky surface. "He's coming to observe me this week."

"Cool." Bodhi raises his camera. "Do that last transition again."

Jyn groans. "Don't make me get back up on the high bar."

"You wanted action shots and I had a bad angle for the last one."

Jyn grunts and pulls herself up to stand on the low bar, leaning forward to catch the high bar. "It's not that cool," she mutters. "Saw wants me to replace it with something more difficult."

Bodhi ignores her and moves into a better position for the shot.

Jyn pulls herself into a handstand to get herself swinging. She does the few pirouettes and handstands that precede the transition to find her rhythm and redoes the Pak transition, a straight salto backwards to catch the low bar. She does the next cast-to-handstand out of habit then drops back onto the mat. "Did you get it?"

"Yeah." Bodhi tilts the camera and she smiles at the shot of her mid-flight, arms outstretched to catch the bar and legs perfectly straight behind her.

"Awesome." Her ponytail is coming undone and she redoes it. She can still feel fly-aways, and wonders if she should grab some bobby pins from her bag.

Bodhi turns off the camera and smirks. "So who's this journalist?"

Jyn makes a face. "No one. Just some guy."

"You're playing with your hair. You never care what you look like."

"Shut up." Jyn re-mounts the high bar and starts her routine again.

Bodhi snorts. "Wow, you're willingly practicing on bars. You must really not want to talk about it."

Jyn ignores him. In a fit of ambition, she attempts to upgrade the Pak to a Bhardwaj with a full turn mid-flight like Saw's been pushing. But her timing's all wrong and she only barely catches the low bar so her ribs crash into the wood and her legs flop down onto the mat.

Bodhi winces and Jyn stumbles back, holding her ribs with a grimace. She'll have bruises tomorrow.

"Ouch." Bodhi steps forward but she waves him off.

"I'm fine. You'd better get out of here. Saw'll be here soon and you know how he feels about cameras."

 

Cassian arrives halfway through her warm-up and stays for the entire day. Jyn can _feel_ him staring at her. Scribbling on that goddamn notepad and judging her. It doesn't help that Saw's in a mood and and pushing her harder than usual. They're drilling her beam routine today.

"You can't just prance around and expect to be competitive anymore, Erso," he says. "What happened to those turns we talked about?"

Jyn glares at him from the mat, where she's just sat down the Gainer dismount. (She can still hear Cassian's voice from last week, "You're over-rotating.")

Saw glares back at her until she climbs back on the beam and starts over. She makes a better attempt to do a full turn instead of the half and a double instead of the full, but falls off on both. The second time, her upper thigh smacks painfully on the beam on the way down. She pushes through it, but it throws her off and the rest of the routine is sloppy, full of balance checks and frantic windmilling of her arms. 

The thing about the balance beam (or really all of gymnastics, but the beam especially) is that it just _looks_ so difficult, to jump and flip around on four inches of leather, and mistakes become even more obvious because everyone's expecting and looking for them. Whenever Jyn mounts and does her first plié on one foot, arms raised, she can almost feel everyone tense around her, just from looking at her precarious position.

And it feels worse with Cassian there, his dark eyes flicking between her, Saw, and that stupid notebook.

 

Jyn tries not to drink, in general. The nutritionist calls it empty calories that kill your brain cells. But that evening, Jyn decides she fucking deserves a glass of wine. Or three. She took an ice bath at the gym so now she's sprawled out on her sofa in the softest clothes she owns.

She anger-drinks and half-listens to some mindless sit-com with an obnoxious laugh track.

 _Fuck publicity_. Necessary to pay for training, but a massive goddamned pain in her ass. _Fuck journalists_ , with their nosy questions and judge-y little notebooks. And fuck _hot_ journalists who make her self-conscious and awkward when she's doing something she's _supposed_ to be good at.

Jyn glares at the wine. It's not that she was _self-conscious_ today, it was just a bad day. And Cassian's not that hot. Okay, he's pretty hot, but the sex was only average. _Okay_ , the sex was great but it's not like it'll ever happen again…

Jyn's phone buzzes and she jumps. Who the fuck emails at… 11:52 at night? She squints at the message. It's from Cassian about another interview. He wants to do it at the gym this time instead of a restaurant and she groans. Hasn't this guy got anything better to do at midnight?

The alcohol from the wine feels warm in her veins as she hits the 'reply' icon on her phone. _9am thursday sounds great. What r u still doing up??_

The reply comes almost instantly. _I could ask the same of you._

His correct punctuation and grammar make her lip curl. _U send all ur good emails after hours?_

 _What can I say, I work best at night_.

 _Mm, i don't no about that. Maybe u should come over & prove it_. She sends it before she can think about it. She tosses her phone onto her coffee table as soon as she hits send and un-mutes the TV program. She doesn't care how he responds, or even if he does. She was joking, anyway. Of course, if he _did_ take it seriously, she wouldn't be complaining…

Her phone vibrates again and she fumbles to mute the TV.

_If you're serious, I can be there in 15 minutes._

_im alway serious._ Jyn supposes if she weren't quite as buzzed she might put a little more effort into her appearance in the next 15 minutes, but the wine is giving her confidence and she decides if he doesn't want to take her in her sweats and tank top, he can fuck off. Despite herself, she's kind of excited. And not too fussed about the fact that she'll have to see him again on Thursday. It's just one more time. One more time couldn't hurt.

He's early, of course, and she barely has time to shake her hair out of its bun before throwing the door open and adopting an exaggerated sexy pose– hips tilted, one hand on the doorframe and the other extended towards him, offering him the remainder of her wine.

"Well, look who it is," she says.

He takes the glass and finishes it. "We shouldn't be doing this."

She smirks and steps backwards, hooking one thumb around the waistband of her sweatpants so they slide down below her hip. "And yet… here we are."

Her posture says _I dare you_ , and his eyes, dark and hungry-looking, say he's never backed down from a challenge. He has her up against a wall almost before she knows what's happening but she has no problem with it because his mouth tastes like the wine she'd been drinking and he smells just as heady.

He accidentally presses on the bruise from the balance beam forming on her thigh and her breath catches. He murmurs an apology into her neck and shifts his grip. She holds his shoulders tighter and kisses him again. Sometimes she feels like she spends every day trying to feel nothing, always pushing through pain, exhaustion, and frustration. It's a relief, finally, to let go and feel something _good_.

 

* * *

 

It's not the last time they sleep together, although the next time (Thursday) is at his place. So's the next time. But then they go back to hers. It's a very strange thing, what's happening, and Jyn's not quite sure how they accomplish it, but it's not awkward at the gym. The initial antagonism between them dissipates and conversation is casual and almost easy as he observes her. Ever the diligent journalist, he's always asking her questions about what she's doing and why.

"What's this drill for?"

"These are relevé-holds. They help you stay on the beam while you're turning."

He nods. "Why do you think men don't compete on the balance beam?"

She pauses and smirks. It couldn't hurt to show off a little. "Probably because of moves like this." She re-centers herself and takes a deep breath, then throws herself backward and completes a full twist in the air before catching the beam to swing down to a straddle sit.

She grins and swings her legs on either side of the beam like it's no big deal. "Know what I'm saying?"

Cassian's trying to control his startled expression. "…I can see how that would be difficult."

She convinces him to get up on the beam at the end of practice, in the name of thorough journalism. She laughs at him, standing casually near the center as he wobbles at one end, arms outstretched.

"Holy shit, this is higher than it looks." He shuffles forward a few inches, then loses his balance, wildly waving his arms.

She steps forward and catches his wrist so he can re-center himself.

His hand finds hers and he grips it.

"If I let go, do you think you can get down?" she says, half-teasing, half-not.

"Jury's still out," he quips, but eventually he manages to lower himself into a crouch and stumble off.

 

A few days later, she's working on the floor and his eyes twinkle when Saw calls her dance moves too mechanical.

"You'd make a terrible dancer," he murmurs when she steps off the floor for water. "Your moves are too stiff, too sharp."

"Not all of us can be _ballerinas_ ," she shoots back.

He raises an eyebrow, barely fazed. "But perhaps you could choose something with more balletic potential than _Ride of the Valkyries_."

She raises her chin. "Not a chance."

Saw has to stop her in the middle of her next run when she falls far behind the music doing silly, exaggerated dance steps while watching Cassian choke down laughter.

 

She's still thinking about it that night when he's lying beside her. It's the fifth night they've spent together, by her count, and they're back at her place. His hand is back on her ribs, this time tracing the faded bruises from her last fall on the uneven bars. Again, she's struck by how gentle he is, and how he looks at her in the grey light.

She takes a deep breath and turns her head to face him. "Why aren't you still a dancer?" She's not sure what she expects, maybe something flippant or cryptic. Or maybe some noble reason or other– he left to finish a degree, on the wish of a parent, to follow some sweetheart.

But he rolls away from her again and sighs.

She suddenly misses his hand on her skin and wonders if she's been too intrusive. He's silent for a few moments, enough time for tension to build up in her shoulders.

"I broke my ankle rock-climbing," he said.

She lets out a breath. "You what?"

"In three places." He pulls his right leg up and out from the sheet.

She notices a long surgical scar on his shin for the first time.

"It was my dominant leg. I never fully recovered the flexibility or endurance in that foot." He's very frank about the whole thing, detached.

But she knows the feeling of a life built on your physical ability, and she can't imagine feeling that way about a career-ending injury. She turns away from him again. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She hears the sheets rustle as he moves back towards her. "In some ways, it was a blessing. It forced me to explore things outside ballet, discover things I could do because I wanted, not just because it's all I'd ever known."

Jyn swallows and remembers something he asked her in their first interview. _So you do it because it's familiar?_ She became defensive, angry he was questioning her commitment. But she knows it was because sometimes she wonders. _Does_ she love it like she says she does? Or does she even know what it is to love something, because she's never done anything else?

Maybe Cassian can tell what she's thinking, because he leans closer and puts a gentle hand on her face. He opens his mouth like he's about to say something else.

But Jyn doesn't want to hear it– not yet, at least, and stops him with a kiss. It's slower, softer than usual and he draws her into him so her head comes to rest on his shoulder and she can fall asleep in his arms.

 

Things shift after that. Jyn doesn't think Saw notices (although maybe he does and refuses to say anything), but the air between them becomes charged in a way that it wasn't before. Cassian seems to want to put a newfound physical distance between them that she doesn't like– he stands farther apart when they talk, doesn't approach her as often when she takes water breaks– but at the same time his eyes on her while she practices seem darker, more intense, when she dares to glance up between skills.

Out of the corner of her eye she notices him flinching when she practices release moves, even when Saw's spotting her and she's over the loose foam pit.

It affects her performance and she misses the bar twice on a layout gienger, not even the hardest release of her routine, something she even combined with a transition last season. Saw's grumpy and tells her to take a break the fourth time in a row she barely catches the bar and slips off again.

Jyn keeps her eyes down as she wades through the foam pit and plays with the grips on her wrists. There's chalk on her face from all the times she's smoothed her hair back in frustration and her arms already feel sore. She digs her water bottle out of her bag without looking at Cassian and glowers at the foam pit as she drinks. She doesn't look up when he toes off his shoes and steps onto the mat beside her.

He's silent for a moment, but eventually says, "Am I bothering you? I can leave… if it's getting in the way of your practice."

She snaps her water bottle shut. "Nope. It's not you." It is, of course, but she's certainly not going to tell him, let him know he can get to her.

He apologizes anyway. "I'm sorry." Another pause. "Is it something I said… last time?"

"No."

"Do you… not want to… do that anymore?"

She purses her lips and doesn't answer. It's hard to look at him.

She hears him shift nervously. "Because that would be okay, of course…"

His sentence doesn't sound finished and curiosity gets the better of her. She turns to look at him. "What?"

"But…" He runs a hand through his hair and takes a breath. "I didn't mean for… _this_ …" He gestures vaguely between them, as unsure as she is of how to define them right now. "To change this way. I wanted…"

He trails off again and she waits.

"I was thinking, I wanted to ask you if you'd like to get dinner with me. Properly– no interview, no tape recorder. So it can be just us." His hands are shaking and he presses them to his jeans.

She swallows, her heard thudding as she realizes what he wants. She's a little afraid of it, this frantic banging against her ribcage, and a little afraid of the way her lips desperately want to creep up at the corners. She nods. "…Yes. That would be good."

His face breaks into a nervous smile, and she lets hers go, too.

Then Saw returns and Jyn jumps back up on the bar. Her hands feel stronger than they did ten minutes ago, and her mind sharper. She neatly catches the layout gienger, and then the piked tkatchev Saw has her try next.

He's as surprised as she is when it happens– raises his eyebrows and huffs in a rare show of emotion. Jyn grins and does a victory flip into the foam pit, but she doesn't miss the knowing glance Saw slides to Cassian as her head goes under.

 

* * *

 

Jyn forgot why she never went on dates. Dates require nice clothes and nice clothes are supposed to make you look good, and most nice clothes have short sleeves or worse. Jyn hates it. Outside the gym, her shoulders and arms look unattractively bulky, and are only amplified by strapless tops, spaghetti straps, or these horrible off-the-shoulder blouses women seem to be going for these days. And so she buys long sleeves a size too large so they fit over her biceps but fall way too loose or way too low. She does her best with belts and scarves, but she discards the first three outfits she tries on as unflattering.

Her palms are sweating and she wipes them on her bedspread. Christ, it's just _Cassian_. He's seen her in way less and seemed more than pleased. Why is she so _nervous_?

She finally settles on a navy blouse and black slacks. She wonders briefly in the mirror whether the outfit's too dark or if the colors are too similar then shakes her head and leaves her bedroom. This is pointless, and if she goes on like this she's going to be late, which looks bad because Cassian is _always_ on time.

 

She arrives at the restaurant-and-bar Cassian chose exactly 8 minutes early, so she waits at the bar and orders a whiskey sour to calm her nerves. There are a few other people sitting around her, sipping their drinks and checking the time on their phones. Jyn squares her shoulders. She's not anxious. She's been calmer in many more high-pressure situations.

The gym doesn't skimp on the sports psychology side of things, so she closes her eyes, pretends she's at the end of the vaulting runway and thinks of Chirrut's voice. _I am one with the Force_. The geeky Star Wars reference is not lost on her, but it never fails to slow her heart rate. The bar fills up around her, but she ignores them. She hates small talk with strangers. She checks the time again and tries to will Cassian to arrive soon.

Cassian enters the restaurant exactly on time and Jyn begins to weave her way through the crowd (which has grown much larger since she got here) to meet him. She keeps him in her line of sight, and she can see him scanning the room. She's almost reached him when his eyes suddenly widen and he turns on his heel, walking quickly towards the exit.

Jyn shoves her way past the last few people and tries to catch up with him before he leaves, but he's disappeared by the time she reaches the maître d'. She wants to tear her hair out. What the _fuck_ is going on? Is _this_ how he plans to stand her up?

She storms outside onto the sidewalk and looks in either direction. Once she catches sight of his retreating back, she almost has to run to catch up with him. But she does, because no way in _hell_ is he just fucking _leaving_ her like that.

"Hey!"

He turns, and in the dim light he looks pale, like he's seen a ghost.

"What the fuck was that?" She's breathing hard when she catches up to him with barely contained rage. She clenches her fists to keep from shoving him.

He looks at the sidewalk. "I'm sorry." His hands come up and he pushes them through his hair. He must've put product or something in his hair because it stays like that, rumpled and mussed.

It's not enough. "If you didn't want to do this you could've just _said_ so." She feels stupid, all excited and dressed up for a date he didn't even want. She feels her eyes growing hot and she turns around. "See you at the gym."

"No, wait! Jyn!"

Despite herself, she stops.

"I'm really– I _do_ want this, and I shouldn't have done that, I know. I just– can we go somewhere different?"

She turns around. "What?"

His head is still down, and he's rubbing his forehead so she can't see his face.

"Jyn, I want to do this, I promise, but can we please go somewhere else?"

She shakes her head, dumbfounded. "What are you talking about? You chose that restaurant."

"I know, but–" He takes a deep, unsteady breath. "I'm sorry. You don't want to deal with this. I should go."

He briefly looks up before turning around and walking away again, and Jyn gets a good look at his face. And her jaw drops because he looks _miserable_. There's a sadness written all over his face the events of tonight can't possibly explain, nothing she knows about him can explain. His eyes are wet and red and she realizes he was't rubbing his forehead.

"No, come on," she says. "What happened?" If he's going to back out now, whatever it is, she decides she deserves to know.

He makes several false starts, looking around him like he'll find the answer there.

Impulsively, she grips his bicep and sits them both down on the curb so he can maybe collect himself.

He puts his elbows on his knees and his head between his arms. "I'm sorry." It comes out muffled and he lifts his head, although he doesn't look at her. "That's one of my favorite restaurants and I forgot– I forgot about who also used to go there."

"Did you see an ex or something?" It seemed like a kind of strong reaction for an ex, but Jyn supposes it's possible.

Cassian huffs. "Or something."

Jyn raises an eyebrow.

"I almost married her."

She thinks about this. "…Define _almost_."

"She left me at the altar."

 _Shit_. Jyn lets out a slow breath. "Sorry."

"We were– I met her in the ballet company and we were very close. We dated for a long time, and I was sure. I was absolutely sure, and I thought she was too."

"Was it… was it because you couldn't dance anymore?" She isn't sure her timeline's correct.

He shakes his head. "No, she was actually wonderful through all that, and supportive of my retirement, but… she said she just couldn't go through with it. She was too young. She hadn't thought it through when she said yes."

 _Oh my God_. "So… you saw her at the bar?"

"Yes, and I–" He finally looks at her. "Jyn, I know it's stupid and this happened two years ago but I just saw her and it all started to come back and I couldn't be in there anymore. I just couldn't."

Jyn sighs and looks away. This is all happening out of order. Relationships are supposed to _start_ with dates, move on to sex, and then to the reveal of big, emotional baggage. It also makes her feel very young and very inexperienced. She's never had a relationship longer than a few weeks.

"But… I still would like to go out with you. Just… somewhere else. Or, some other time. If you still want." He looks away as well, and she can feel him retreat.

"Yes." She sees him look up, out of her peripheral vision. "Let's go somewhere else." If they're going to have this conversation, they might as well do it over food. She stands up and brushes off her pants.

He stands as well and tries to fix his hair. He still looks shaken and uncomfortable.

She tries to set him at ease. "I feel like I might've missed out."

He looks puzzled. "How so?"

"On a lot of life experiences," she says. "Being in the gym all the time. I kind of feel like I'm starting from the beginning."

He doesn't say anything, still looks uncertain.

She takes his hand. "So let's do it together."

"Do what?"

"Start from the beginning."

 

* * *

 

Saw stops her during conditioning later in the week, doing leg lifts against the stall bars. She first sees him coming in the gap between her ankles and closes her eyes. _47, 48, 49–_

"Jyn."

She glares, does one more, and rests her heels on the bars. "What." She doesn't want to know what this is about.

Saw grunts. "Andor's piece comes out next week. He won't be around much anymore."

She narrows her eyes. "Right." She has another date with him in a few days, so she'll see him anyway.

Saw looks at her for a long moment. "What you do outside this gym is none of my business."

Then he turns and walks away. Jyn lets go and drops to the floor, rolling out her shoulders. Saw is not a man of many words, and generally prefers not to waste them on things he deems outside his purview. She hopes this is his way of telling her he's okay with her relationship with Cassian. How he even knows about it is a mystery, but maybe they haven't been as good at hiding it as she thought.

Cassian's only been around the gym a few times since their first date, just to take some final notes and ask a few more questions. They've been especially good days for her. She's come a long way to perfecting her releases on bars and managed to catch the troublesome transition. With the biggest weakness in her repertoire disappearing, Saw has high hopes for her performance at the last national qualifying meet in Yavin. She should be excited about it, over the moon, but it just makes her more anxious.

She sees Chirrut out of the corner of her eye.

"There is a restless energy about you today," he says.

"I'm fine."

"Your aura says otherwise."

"My aura's fine."

Chirrut shrugs. "Whatever you say." He begins to walk away.

"Wait."

He stops, turns around.

"Chirrut, how did you know you wanted to be a…" What is he again? She kind of thinks of him as the psychologist, but she can't remember his actual title.

"Spiritual guide?"

Okay, that's definitely not it.

He looks like he's trying not to grin.

Jyn rolls her eyes. "Sure. How did you know that's what you wanted to do?"

"It was as the Force willed it."

God, he really needs to lay off those Star Wars DVDs. "Seriously."

Chirrut just smiles. "I don't think my answer is what you're looking for."

"How do you know what I'm looking for?"

He shakes is head. "I don't think it's an answer you want," he says. "You want a confirmation or a contradiction to what you already know."

"What?"

But he's already walking away.

 

Jyn tries to put it out of her mind and just does what she always does. Focus, train, perfect her routines. She tries to put a countdown in her mind to the Yavin qualifiers as Saw falls into his "drill sergeant" mode. (Really, she thinks he could've had quite the career in the military.) She does her best to focus, but more than she remembers, training feels like work, and leaving the gym feels like a release, especially when Cassian is waiting for her and they can get dinner or coffee.

He gives her a copy of the article. Bodhi had given him some photos. She recognizes the one of the Pak salto. She looks like she was flying. Cassian called it _The Concentration of Power_. He wrote in detail about her routines, the drills she does, and there are quotes from some of their interviews.

"'I don't really get stage fright anymore,'" she reads. "'At first the lights can be overwhelming, and the judges look really scary but eventually you realize it's always the same routines and the same moves, and where you do it doesn't matter.'" She looks up at him. "Really? I said that?"

He looks nervous, leaning over the table at the diner where they're eating dinner. It's the only place that was open when Saw finally released her. "It was on the tape."

She raises a skeptical eyebrow. Looks back at the paper. There's a picture of her hands, torn up and covered in chalk. "'I guess I've sacrificed a lot for gymnastics, but I wouldn't do it differently. I've had a lot of fun.'" She frowns.

"What is it?"

"It sounds like I've already retired."

"No, it doesn't. I mean, it sounds like you'll retire _soon_ , but that's true."

Jyn folds the paper and hands it back to him.

He reopens it and looks at the article again. "I'm sorry if that didn't come out the way you wanted it to."

"It's fine." She takes the paper back and puts it down. "But I'm off the clock now. Let's talk about something different."

 

After the article, Baze and her manager present her with sponsor options. She goes with the software company and shoots a print ad for them.

"Look happier!" the artistic director says.

Jyn blows her bangs off her face and resists the urge to snap at him. They want an action shot of her running, how does her expression matter? "What do I look like now?"

"You look angry," says Baze. "Like you're about to attack the vaulting table."

"That would be far preferable," she grumbles.

The next take is worse and Baze comes up while they're retouching her makeup. "Jyn. Give them what they want and you can leave."

"I'm _trying_." She grits her teeth. "I don't even know what I'm doing wrong."

"You look like you don't want to be here," he says. "Pretend you want to be here."

"I _am_."

Baze grunts. "It's not working. Pretend you're somewhere else."

 

Somehow, her routines improve. There's a new determination in her mind to do it right the first time so she can move on to the next thing, leave the gym sooner, see Cassian sooner. Saw says there's a chance she'll be named to the team for the world championships in Coruscant. It would be her last chance to compete on an international stage in her career. Jyn hopes he doesn't notice her glancing at the clock during practice. She wishes she could just _focus_ she'd find that _ambition_ again, whatever motivated her to come this far in the first place.

 _This is just a funk,_ she thinks. _This is your last chance._ She's doing rebounds off the low beam, bouncing between the beam and the mats. Up, down, up down. _Last Chance_. _National team. National team. Last chance._

She loses count of her reps, but she feels like she's getting tired sooner than she should. There's a permanent frown on her face and she tries to take out her confusing frustration on the beam as her feet hit it over and over, harder and faster. At some point, her toes don't quite clear the beam and she pitches forward.

She jams her left wrist on the mat and in the flash of pain she thinks, _Maybe this is it. Maybe this is my rock climbing accident. Maybe_ this _is the end of my career._ Then the pain fades and she rolls onto her back, ankles on the low beam, and does a few rotations. She doubts it'll even be sore tomorrow. _Or not_.

 

She takes it out on Cassian. It's not fair, he doesn't deserve it, but she feels so _angry_ and there's nowhere for it to go. He makes them dinner at his place and Jyn feels the Yavin qualifiers looming over her head. There's a storm moving in, and Jyn can feel the pressure change in an old shoulder injury. It shows in Cassian, too. Now that she's looking for it, she can see the slight unevenness in his gait as he moves around the kitchen.

It's gratifying to know the history behind it, but it also grates on her. Their relationship feels unbalanced. Sometimes she think she knows too much about him, and he doesn't know enough about her. But when she thinks about what she could tell him, she remembers that her whole life up until this point has been gymnastics, and there's really not much more to tell.

The thought makes her angry again and she stabs her salad with her fork so the tines scrape along the plate.

Cassian turns around in the kitchen. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?" He sits down, two bowls of spaghetti in his hands.

"Totally."

"You know, you can talk to me if you want to."

"I don't want to."

He backs off. "Okay, that's fine."

"We're flying out to Yavin tomorrow," she says.

"That's exciting."

"Yeah." She dumps four spoonfuls of parmesan cheese on her pasta.

"…You don't look excited."

"Well, I am."

Cassian looks wary. "Bad day at the gym?"

"Nope." She stuck all of her dismounts at least once today, as well as her Amanar vault.

He hesitates. "Is there… something you want to talk about?"

"No. And stop asking. I'm fine."

He puts down his fork. "You seem upset. I'm just trying to help."

God, why does he have to _care_ so much? "Don't."

His brow creases. "Jyn, I know you're stressed, but–"

"Cassian, just stop. I'm fine."

"Jyn–"

"You know what?" She stands. This is officially too much. Her mind already feels like it never stops buzzing, and she can't handle Cassian's concern on top of everything else right now. "I'm going back to my apartment tonight."

He looks upset and she tries not to look at him. "You could at least finish dinner."

She shakes her head. "I've got to get going. We have an early flight."

He stands as well. "Jyn, whatever's bothering you, we can talk about it. Or, you can talk about it and I'll listen."

"Well, I don't want to talk about it, and that's it," she says. She grabs her purse and jacket and shuffles around for her keys. There's more of her stuff at Cassian's place, and she assumes she'll have to come collect it all after this, but she can figure that out later.

She makes into the hallway before he stops her, standing in the door. "Wait."

She turns.

"Jyn, are you– what is this? You can go, just– tell me."

"I don't know." She stares back at him. A part of her wants him to stop her, pull her back into his apartment and not ask anything else and just _comfort_ her, but she can't ask for that, she doesn't deserve it. She turns away. "I have to go."

"Okay." He lets her leave.

 

* * *

 

After the first rotation in Yavin, Jyn feels like she wants to cry. She's on the beam first, and her routine is shaky and full of lost connections. She barely lands the dismount and can't keep the look of defeat off her face as she steps off the mat.

Saw pats her back. "Leave it behind you, Erso. Vault's next. Just put it on your feet."

It's not really the kind of advice she wants to get during a meet, but she's relieved her best event is next. She just needs an infusion of confidence.

She lands the Amanar with a big step forward, but Saw seems pleased. "Not bad. Your form's comparable to the medal contenders. Let's see some good stuff on the floor."

Paradoxically, Jyn relaxes when she steps out on the floor. She _knows_ she can make this good. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before signaling to the judges and getting into her starting pose. _Ride of the Valkyries_ floods the arena and the strangest thing happens. She thinks she can see Cassian there, standing at the edge of the floor, as she runs into her first tumbling pass.

When she sticks it and looks around, she can see he's not there, but she goes into the next series of dance moves like he is. She'll never be a ballerina, but she tries to dance to his standards so if he were here, he would be proud. She knows it doesn't matter, and their relationship (or whatever it is) might be beyond repair, but it gives her confidence in the tumbling runs and they're all clean. She feels the excitement build with the music, and the crowd is deafening by the time she finishes.

Saw is almost smiling, too. He says, "Best I've ever seen it in competition." And she knows he's over the moon.

She squints up a the crowd as she waits for her turn on bars, jittery because she can't afford for this to go the way of the beam. She can only make out some of the faces in the lower rows, but when she was warming up she thought she saw a flash of a familiar jacket.

She gets a better look when she steps up on the mat and she sees him. It boggles her mind that he even came. It doesn't make any sense to her that he would be here, but there's a genuine smile on her face when she salutes the judges and mounts.

She can see Bodhi's picture from the article in her mind. _Just like that,_ she thinks. _Like you're flying_.

Every release is solid, every connection is perfect, and she soars higher than she can ever remember for her double layout dismount, with only a tiny step back on the landing. She spots Cassian in the mess of flashbulbs and even if he can't see it, smiles to him. She lets out a deep breath. Her mind feels clear for the first time in weeks.

 _Finally_ , she thinks. _It's over._

 

She texts him that night and he finds her hotel room.

"I'm sorry," she says when he sits on the end of her bed.

"It's all right."

"I shouldn't have pushed you away."

He looks up at her. "Do you feel better now?"

"Yes. Definitely."

"I thought you were amazing," he says quietly. "Do you think you'll make the team?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. Five girls still finished ahead of me." She smiles ruefully. "All under 21."

"Under 21's overrated," Cassian says. He produces a bottle of wine and two glasses from his messenger bag.

Jyn wants to kiss him, but holds back. They'll get there. "Agreed."

 

* * *

 

Cassian's there when Saw gets The Call. He waits outside Saw's office for thirty minutes while Jyn talks to him about the result.

He embraces her as she leaves, gym bag over her shoulder. "So, are you going to Coruscant?"

Jyn shakes her head and smiles up at him. "I retired."

Cassian stills. "What?"

"I retired. Just now." She doesn't let go of his hand as she makes her way out of the gym.

Cassian frowns. "But– an alternate– that's not nothing. You could still–"

"No, if I keep doing things just because I _can_ , I'll never get to do the things I _want_."

Cassian seems to nod. "So… what do you want?"

She shrugs and pushes her way out of the gym, reveling the rush of fresh air on her face. "I don't know yet." She spreads her arms and looks around. The world suddenly seems bigger than it ever felt before.

**Author's Note:**

> The End– I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> Ending credits music:  
> "All I Want is You" - Barry Louis Polisar  
> "Tusk" - Fleetwood Mac
> 
>  
> 
> I'm still working on more Perfection's Overrated and an in-universe everybody-lives AU, so stay tuned!
> 
>  


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